im not an expert...im not important...im not a trendsetter...im just a heart & soul...
random confessional
so this girl has thrown me for a loop. I’ve reached a point where I’m not sure of what to do next. this has never been a problem in the past, shes different in the best ways possible but that’s what intimidates me. there are circumstances in play where it makes things difficult to start with but it shouldn’t be this much of a problem…
I like her and I know she likes me but I don’t know what to do next. this should be the easiest part, I mean i passed the point of uncertainty of her liking me. maybe it’s because I’m not sure of her intentions. I wanna hangout with her more but where and what? i feel like the opportunities to move this forward are few and far between. I feel like I say this all the fucking time but I guess we’ll see what happens…
I blame society
is my hesitation and lack of action throwing you off? if it is I apologize but you see in the past my hastily made actions have always ended in failure. so it has been drilled in my brain ever since that I watch every step and look for signs. I know that you have more metaphorical balls than I do considering your directness with me but it’s not entirely my fault. believe me I would much rather be direct with people than talk in code and feel like I’m walking on eggshells, it’s so much easier. so please forgive me I swear I’m trying to correct this problem. I just have this unnatural fear that if I’m direct with you and/or open with you it’ll fuck things up…
what a bad idea taylor…it’s always hard to keep an arms length distance when you dive that far in….never did I think that I’d be torn up about this when I shouldn’t be thinking of it in the first place. what did you expect? you were just a naive little 22 year old who always hoped for the best but always knew the real inevitability of the situation…all I can really say know is…dammit
You Only Live Once
i cant say i’m always proud of myself and i tend to cover up that fact with the phrase “you only live once”. It seems like i taylor oehlke do have an M.O. and its not one that im entirely pleased with or something i’d really want to be known for. a couple nights ago i found myself reaching the summit of the mountain covered in Pam that i had been climbing. i achieved something that i honestly thought id never be able to do, i mean im only 22 and i somehow turned someones world upside down. a decade separates us and i feel like the dog that finally catches up to the car it had always been chasing. i have no idea what i want or what to do really, the odds are against me and im extremely anxious. now all thats left is a cluster-fuck of questions and the possibility of uncomfortable awkwardness that will be brought on by her. she is right “what the fuck DO i have to lose?” when she has just about everything to lose. its true like i said in the beginning you only live once and i wont regret anything in my life including this, i smile, laugh, and have fun which is all i can do at the end of the day. im fairly certain everything has changed and its all up in the air now, which is possibly for the best. i not knowing what i want and her with more to lose than this 22 year old i call myself. its either funny or miserable irony that the simplest of experiments can turn into true feelings that punched you right in the face.
life is conspiring against me
well, not really but i just felt that i needed to be overdramaitc. but in all seriousness im sure everyone who activiely reads my posts (no one) cares to hear what i have to write about. so lets get down to brass tax, i seem to be in a conumdrum. the plan that i have ever so carefully thought out has gone to shit, mainly because the other people i involved cant be in my genious plan. so, whats a boy to do? fuck if i know since i really cant carry this plan out without the help of others. i mean its pretty simple, i just need a bar, friends, and the presence of this certain person im inviting. in all honesty i could definetly do this solo but it all works out better (at least in my head) when all the pieces fall into place. i just want this to work out but it seems like things wont go my way. so i have to devise a new plan…
so it strikes again…you have a boyfriend and we both have crushes on each other. I’m not even mad in the slightest, the fact that she came out and told me instead of it being the other way around is a huge step. I’m not looking for a relationship with you, I was just having fun an innocently flirting. you’re not looking for a relationship so everything finally worked out in this mexican stand off that I tend to get pulled into…we like each other and nothing more…good I’m happy with that, now I take what I learned here and apply it to a better situation. the bright side is coming back to me, it usually does it just takes work and time…
taylor david oehlke
being reluctantly captive within your own walls is a prison sentence. having your days filled with unwanted activities and obligations leaving no free or personal time will bring even the greatest optimist to there knees. finally, when the sun starts to shine again the clouds of responsibility and adulthood cover up my warmth and cast cold hard shadows over me. I get stuck between the curse of early mornings or insomnia but the two tend to blend into each other. I want to live, I want to have social interactions and the only thing that stands in my way is a job thats mundane and excruciating which inevitably kills my weekends which is killing my social life, which is killing me. balance, I must find balance in order to win this battle but where I ask, where will I find it?
the sweeping sensation of deja vu
it’s happened before and it will definitely happen again. you have those minutes of success and enjoyment before the sweeping sensation of deja vu attacks from the corner only to stab you in the back. its always weird because your gut tells you something is strange and oddly familiar yet you choose to not listen because it always means your chances are damned. if it weren’t for déjà vu you might have been devastated but since it swept in as it has many times before, all I could do was laugh. is it irony that I’m laughing at? or is a tragic string of coincidences? it’s probably neither. in all likelihood it’s simply a matter of timing, were programmed to show up at the dance at certain times in our lives, sometimes were late and sometimes were early, we just never know exactly what the right time is…
taylor david oehlke
have you ever felt awkward?
now I know that awkwardness is only a state of mind and it only occurs when you manifest that feeling but have you ever felt a room despise you? despise is a harsh word but I’ve felt like a room has turned on me the second I walked in. you see people you’ve known, people you were friendly with, and the people you were good friends with at some point and you get the feeling like those people don’t hate or like you but they don’t care for you. now I’ve been known to over analyze things and I’ve also been known to be shy but I’ve definitely felt like the ghost in the room before. it’s a weird feeling, everyone knows you’re there but they ignore your presence as much as possible and not in a despising way but in an uncomfortable way. part of it falls on me for hiding in my own head but it’s just one of those events in life that youve experienced more than once
nice guys are overlooked
